Joan took a while cranking her old neck to get a better view of the radio on the top shelf. She didn’t really hear it these days, but this morning she did. Joan had to control her disdain for the station it was permanently tuned in to, because it seemed every other resident liked it. Besides, it was stuck up so high on the wall, so long ago, a ladder had to be used to turn it over, and the handy man, Larry, was notoriously slow. But Joan quite liked the view from this lounge, so she endured programme presenter. Other than that, Joan loved the home she was in, being one of the last in her company to get a full retirement package, eager to live here as long as she could. Here, Joan was alongside people that she couldn’t afford to live next door to for many years.  

 

She never hated the music her son practised all those years ago, so the noise forms the radio didn’t matter. Joan remembered how often he woke the neighbours in the middle of the night. She knew some of the old fussy types in here would phone the police. When remembering the noise of the drumming practice, she thought she might welcome a quick burst of the kind of music to block out the radio. She couldn’t remember what it was called, but could remember her two sons played music on tours, calling her up in the night from some strange foreign places. When one of her sons visit, he argues with the staff about the radio station we listen to, making a nuisance of himself. Joan turned away from the shelf with more ease, unable to block out the thought of lightly buttered toast that the commercial put in her mind.

 

“Welcome back Dunces. Toby here on the morning breakfast show, ha ha ha. What a great day, even though it’s raining out there. Here at dunce FM the sun always shines because we always play great music, ha ha ha. I hope that commercial wasn’t too long but we’re back to the music now so relax, ha ha ha. You heard this song not long before the break, so time we heard it again, ha ha ha, So here it is again. ‘Let’s turn the music up cos I can hear myself thinking’ by gormless George, enjoy.”

 

While the song played, Joan thought of sharing hot cross buns with her son when he visits next, even once the song ended.

 

“Welcome back. I never get sick of that song, even if I hear it twenty times a morning, ha ha ha. Don’t you think? It’s a great song, once you get used to it, ha ha ha. Remember to contact us on the Faceache page. Ok, it’s five past the hour so time for our morning quiz…

… So what lucky dunce do we have on the line this morning? I’m going to pick one of the two lines that are flashing, here we go, ha ha ha.”

“Hello Toby.”

“Hi caller, what’s your name then?”

“Mary.”

“Ok, what’s the phrase that pays?”

“I’m a stupid dunce who only listens to Dunce FM.”

“Well done Mary, you got it spot on, ah ha ha … OK, now the quiz can begin.”

“Oh yeah…”

“OK Mary, here goes, the question for this mornings quiz call is...

“…Oh, I hope I get it right. I don’t get a lot right in my…”

“… I’m sure you don’t Mary, just wait until I ask the question.”

“OK. Just such a fan of the show and…”

“… Right Mary, how many songs do we play on our play list every single…”

“I know the answer to this.”

“OK Mary, you have to wait for me to finish the question.”

“Oh, sorry Toby, I got a bit…”

“…I can understand. It’s exciting being on the radio. Here we go Mary, how many songs do we play on our play list every single day?”

“15!”

“Ok Mary, you couldn’t have shouted it any louder.”

“Sorry, I get a bit…”

“…I assure you we all heard, ha ha ha… and guess what...?”

 “Oh, come on… I can’t wait.”

“OK, Mary I’ll put you out of your misery…”

“Oh, come on…”

“In just a minute after we’ve heard the next song, number twelve on the playlist actually, ha ha ha, called ‘God I hate thinking’ by James halfwit.”

 

Joan thought this slow record suited the vacant looks on most of the patients sitting around her, who also had no choice on the radio station. Surely even those who liked the station didn’t like this record.

 

“Welcome back folks. What a great tune that is. Think there’s a message somewhere in that song but I’ve never worked it out, ha ha ha. Not sure I can wait a full 45 minutes to hear it again, ha ha ha...can you? Anyway, Mary are you still there?”

“Yes of course, please Toby tell me if…”

“OK Mary, hang on love, just to let you know, you are a right Dunce?”

“Yeah! Oh my Gosh, I can’t believe it, wow, oh my…”

“OK Mary, I can hear you’re exited and I’m pleased to tell you that you’ve won a Dunce FM car sticker and a Dunce FM pencil. What do you think of that?”

“Thanks Toby, you’re a great man and all the people at Dunce FM are great people, I’m so happy, I don’t know how to…”

“…OK Mary, You’re truly one of Dunce FM’s listeners, ha ha ha. Remember folks tomorrow is another chance to be a winner at Dunce FM and do call in, calls cost £.56 a second on your land line and mobile phones vary greatly, or cost a whole lot more, but a chance to win a Dunce FM car sticker and pencil is worth it, ha ha ha. Now back to the music folk and one of the greatest and most celebrated mundane song; ‘I can’t pick my nose in case my brain falls out’ by Frank Slow, so enjoy.”

 

Joan remembered how happy she felt when listening to her sons playing music, even when too loud, because a woman she took to be a bit of a hippie, told her, “Encourage them to play, so their consciences expand.”

 

 

“Oh, that one’s the best so far. Remember to log on to Dunce FM dot com for a personal print out of our play list and other gormless crap to occupy your minds. I know the last song was one of the best so far, but probably better is this next tune. Your favourite and mine and no matter how many times I hear it, I want to hear it again and again and again and again. So here we go, again, ‘just another crap love song’ by Ian Idiotic.”

 

Joan went remembered her sons playing all type of musical instruments, some she never knew existed, and both were talented.

 

“Wasn’t that the best? Maybe you agree, maybe you don’t but just keep listening Dunces, ha ha. Ok dunces, it’s time for the boring news bit and here it is with Wendy.”

 

“Hi Dunces, Wendy here to bring your news. First of all, a large multinational company was fined a paltry sum of money today by the financial ombudsman for ripping off customers over the last seven years and making billions of pounds by artificially rigging the price. The Chief executive, who is considered too important to go to jail, said it was a clerical error and has promised an internal inquiry. Rail fairs are to go up by 40%, even though inflation is less than 3%. Rail bosses say it is needed because the price of food at the AGM this year had cost a bit more than usual and they only get the highest quality biscuits in for their shareholders. Something else happened you wouldn’t understand and have no say in and many other things took place you won’t be given the full facts, but that’s of little interest, since your attention span is now limited to no more than a minute or two, so I’ll just say blah blah blah.

 

Also in the news, Doctors have warned the public against putting their hands in hot pans of fat, saying it might not be a good idea and have teamed up with Dunce FM to highlight this fact, therefore fulfilling Dunce FM’s commitment to public service. Full details can be found on the Dunce FM dot com website.

Finally, someone famous did something normal today and was pictured doing it. Log on to our website and read a bit more about it, with colourful pictures.

Now you’re up to date with all the news you can handle for the next hour so it’s back to Toby.”

 

“Thanks Wendy. Time for a reassuringly bland song, about nothing of any relevance that won’t offend anyone other than someone with some intelligence, ha ha ha. And they don’t come much blander than this one, ‘pass the salt my love’ by The Pepper sister.”

 

Joan was briefly distracted from her view of a patient being wheeled down what was commonly termed the ‘last view path.’ Soon, she heard the radio again.

 

“Oh, I love that one more than most of the other songs on the play list, but not as much as I love this other one, ‘let me off the carousel, I’m feeling queasy’ by Mildred Mundane.”

 

When Joan looked back out the garden the patient and staff were gone.

 

“Wasn’t that great folks? I can hardly believe it’s only been 12 minutes since I heard that one. can’t wait to hear it again, I really can’t ha ha ha. Right, Ok, here we go, it’s time for our on-going competition: ‘Who’s that celebrity farting at me?’ Right, for those that have forgotten the rules since yesterday, I’ll briefly explain. We pick one of the dunces waiting on the phone and that lucky dunce has to guess who the celebrity is that is farting in to the microphone. We add on £12.50 for each day that goes by without the answer being known and today the total for the lucky dunce to play for is £764.50. Just imagine what you could afford to do with that. But don’t think to long or your head will hurt, ha ha ha. Ok, so who do we have on line forty?”

“Yeah...? Hello...hello?”

“Hi caller, what’s your name?”

“Jacob. Can I say hello to my wife, children and anyone else who I told I was going to be on the radio to...?”

“If you must, but more importantly do you know who it is we are about to hear farting? “I think I do…”

No Jacob, I have to play the recording and then you guess, OK?”

“OK.”

“So, listen carefully: ‘PARP.’ OK Jacob would you like to hear that again?”

“No Jacob, I think I know…”

“I’m not Jacob. That’s you’re Jacob. I’m is Toby.”

“Sorry Toby. I think I know.”

“OK Jacob let’s hear it.”

“I think it’s Roger Raven, lead singer of the band ‘boring and bland.”

“Now they are a great bland band, and play list favourite. We love their music on this show. Ok Jacob, I’ll let you know what the answer is… after the celebrity news with our favourite, Wendy.”

 

 

Joan knew the answer.

 

 

“Thanks Toby. The headline celebrity news is Johnny Big Head, star of many a film, has confided with the world’s press that he’s been secretly suffering from a bunion and wants the problem to receive some coverage for others who also suffer, not just him. The revelation has rocked the celebrity world and has prompted health care charities and the minister for health to suggest we pay more attention to our foot hygiene, while praising the star for having the time and courage to come forward. Johnny Big Head goes in to greater detail in his third autobiography, published later this week at £18.99, but Dunce FM listeners get a small discount if they purchase it at the Dunce FM dot com website.

 

Meanwhile, the creator of the TV music talent competition, ‘Crap- Factor,’ has said next years’ winner has been chosen but this shouldn’t stop you from phoning in when the other contestants are chosen to fill in the runner up spots, as the show will have extra bells and plenty of good looking celebrities, promoting themselves.

Brigit Spares, star of many a bland and sexually provocative music video, is promoting her new album today and says that although it sounds like the usual unimaginative songs anyone could sing, she stresses that she shows a bit more flesh in the videos and has a cocaine addiction to pay for, so please buy it.

 

And finally, a new film, promoting several film stars and their narcissistic lives will be aired on one of the TV stations owned by the parent company of Dunce FM and 95% of the other commercial radio stations nationwide, so you are advised to watch this tonight.

That’s the celebrity news for this hour, but coming up in an hour’s time, we’ll have another story about a celebrity who caught the flu and wants to take advantage of this to promote something about their selfish existence, so look forward to this.”

 

“Thanks Wendy, I can’t wait to hear about that and I do hope that celebrity with the illness gets better. Just makes you realise how brave he must be to talk about something we all take for granted, ha ha ha. Ok dunces, now we need another bland song, so why not The Bland Brothers? And here is their best seller we play several times an hour, ‘bland is best.’ Enjoy the hum.”

 

As the song played Joan remembered why she couldn’t buy Mr Jackson in room 14 a cat; he was allergic to it. If she won the lottery, she must try to remember this.

 

“Oh, I just love that tune, I really do, ha ha ha. I can’t think of a tune I like more, other than the one you’ll hear for the umpteenth time after this commercial break, ha ha ha.”

 

The commercial break involved young mothers talking about the health benefits of a brand of vodka, which reminded Joan how long is was since she had a hang-over.

 

“Welcome back folks, it’s just gone half past the hour, Toby here with the morning breakfast show, ha ha. I can’t believe it’s only been 24 minutes since we played this last record, seems like hours, so here it is again, ‘just another gormless melody’ by Mediocre Mike. I hope you enjoy hearing it again, almost as much as I like playing it again. Meantime, I’ll get I think the pizza man’s here.

 

The song starts, but is interrupted by the voice of a stranger.

 

 

“What a load of shit that was. Hope I never hear that again. Right, you stay under the desk, you. My name’s Ant and I’m taking over this place for as long as it takes the bastards to break the door down. Toby’s under the table, where he belongs… I’ll give him an education for a while… Right you poor lot, mum as well, I know you been listening to this shitty station for too long now and I got to ask how do the DJ’s not shoot themselves...? Anyway, I aint got long, so here’s the first of my songs, called ‘Animal, I fuck like a beast’ by a great British rock band, called Wasp. Now turn the fucking volume up and wake the fuckers!”

 

Then, the lounge is full of unfamiliar, loud, blasphemous riddled lyrics, to a backdrop of heavy metal music. Joan slowly looks round to see other residents attempting to comprehend the music they’re listening to. Joan knows it’s her son and knew he’d threatened such a thing.

 

“What a tune… takes me right back to 1982… met this girl at the gig actually… managed to get her back to mine.... still lived with mum back then, but she was heavy sleeper… we had a great time in my single bed... Married to a friend of mine a few years later, as it happens. Anyway, they’re trying to break the door in, so I better play the next song… ‘So what,’ by a band called Ant-Nowhere League. Keep the volume up and piss the fuckers off.”

 

Joan smiled at the increased irritation on the faces of the residents as they listened to the lyrics in confused disgust. Joan was surprised the change in music hadn’t attracted a member of staff yet, while vaguely recognising the record.

 

“I think it was 1981 when that came out. Poor mum had to hear it several times a night when I first bought it. Luckily mum was quite deaf by then. What a year. There was some good music back then. Boy, I tell ya… oh fuck off you lot… not you lot listening but the tossers trying to get in here… I better move on, so keep the volume up and listen to ‘Too drunk to fuck,’ by Dead Kennedys.”

 

The provocative lyrics finally got the attention of two members of staff. Joan’s enjoyment was not so short lived because the two members of staff, snigger and decide to creep back around in to the hall where they wait and listen to the offending intrusion.

 

“Another hit from 1981, when I spent many a nights too drunk to perform… I reckon plenty of you listeners out there have had that problem one time or other… some lights just come on the screen telling me to take a call for the morning quiz, so here goes. Hi, who’s that?”

“Hi, my name’s Peter and I’m calling for the quiz.”

“Oh that shit! Sorry mate, it’s not on today, but I can offer you a good song instead.”

“What about the quiz?”

“Don’t be stupid mate, we’re not having a quiz on this crap show today.”

“Oh…”

“…OK, I feel kind of sorry for you, do you fancy a bit of Motorhead?”

“What’s a motor head?”

“It’s a band.”

“A band of what?”

“Oh Christ, this is worrying. You sound like a right donut.”

“Well, I didn’t ring in to be offended, thank you very much.”

“But you thanked me for it all the same, so tell me what kind of music do you like then?”

“I like bland pop...”

“God help us. Turn up the volume and listen to this band, they’re called Hawkwind and their 1975 classic ‘Motorhead.’ Enjoy!”

 

“Joan smiled, listening to the sniggering staff in the hall, being interrogated by Miss Glendening, who will object. Mrs. Glendening walked in to see a few old confused faces, looking back for an answer to their suffering. “We need someone to turn that off,” she said, before marching off again.

 

“What a classic… meanwhile the best is the idiots here have just broke their steel pins they were using to force the door open, so we got a bit longer at least... Right, what shall we play next?   I think I’ll play ‘Dyer’s Eve’ by Metallica next. I reckon it was 1988 when this one came out and I just met my wife, who’d just been dumped by a friend of mine then, here it is.”

 

Joan enjoyed the memories the song provokes, while Miss Glendening hadn’t retuned, the music played on.

 

“Oh boy, eighty-eighty, there were still some good bands back then as well. Can’t help but feel nostalgic about the 80’s man. Tell you what, I liked that 1988 album so much, why not have a bit more Metallica. This one is from 1986. Anyone who objects can blow a goat while they listen to ‘Master of Muppets.’”

 

“What did that singer do to that goat?” asks one of the confused huddle, but Miss Glendening isn’t there to answer.

 

“That song was released February 24, 1986. The last album to feature bassist Cliff Burton, who died in a bus crash in Sweden while touring to promote the album. That one’s for you Cliff. Right, I see a sign on the computer telling me to switch over to the news room, but I got a bit too much intelligence for that and besides, news is all a load of crap anyway. Why don’t we have a listen to ‘Ace of spades’ instead? Well that’s unanimous then, here it is, by Motorhead. Keep the volume up and enjoy.”

 

Miss Glendening finally returned with her handy man, Larry. He is old himself and out of shape, having found the trip to this lounge a burden enough. He sniggered, “We need a ladder.” So, he and Miss Glendening left again.

 

“Fucking hell guys. I reckon things are getting tight in here with the arrival of the old bill, who are looking pretty angry on the other side of the glass and I guess they’ll find a way in soon…Here’s a record they can listen to while they attempt to think of a way to out-wit the heavy door, called ‘Fuck you’ by the Stiffs.”

 

Miss Glendening and Larry returned, but Larry was tiered and had to rest, and listened along to the unwanted intruder’s voice.

 

“If only you lot could see the idiots trying to break this door down. All the same, I think it might not be too long now before they break in and kick my head in. Right! This one’s for all you wankers out there. It’s from 1996, called, ‘Get a Grip of Yourself,’ by a band that I always enjoyed, called Wank.”

 

“Hurry, they’re being damaged, poor things!” cried Miss Glendening, but Larry needs to clear the area of the cabinet in the way, so he can only listen along with everyone else. Larry wasn’t as offended as he thought he’d be, recognizing the free spirit of the intruder.

 

“That song was the weird side of me coming through and it really pissed off the police... I can hear the door beginning to give way so I reckon it’s not long now… I had to do this and change things for a bit… I know you’ll all be back to the usual crap Dunce FM pumps out, but it’s nice to hear something else other than the same 15 records rammed down your throats... OK guys, an axe is just coming thought the door, probably time to sign off as I get my arse kicked. I’ll play one more song in memory of my mum, who has to listen to this crap radio station every day because the radio’s hung up, out the way. This tune should bring back some good memories for you mum… And your mates, it’s ‘Gangbang At The Old Folk’s Home’ by Steel Panther. Enjoy and have a great day.”  

 

Larry took his tie to climb the ladder, to the agitation of Miss Glendening, but Larry wanted Joan hear the rest of the song that was dedicated to her.  

 

Joan read about the incident in the local rag:

 

The morning show studio at the local radio station, Dunce FM, was interrupted and temporarily taken over by former ‘Throbbing Bell End’ front man, Ant Miles, who locked himself inside the small studio and proceeded to play banned songs over the Berkshire airwaves to an unsuspecting audience. Dunce FM have issued an apology and will ensure this kind of outrage will never happen again, as security will be tightened from now on. The breakfast show had begun as usual but DJ Toby was fooled in to opening the door as a song was playing. Toby said, “I was told it was a pizza delivery man, so I opened the door. Even though I didn’t remember ordering pizza. I feel like a fool, I opened the door.” Ant burst passed him and bundled him to the floor. Toby spent some time petrified under the desk throughout the ordeal.  

 

The songs were all profanity-laden and full of provocative, sexually explicitly content, not suitable for the morning audience of Dunce FM. Questioned from his prison cell, the former front-man, was unapologetic, claiming he’d do it all again. “Every f**king morning I hear that radio station in cars, shops and round my Mum’s old folk’s home… I had to do something, especially when I visited my friend at his work place and heard it blurting out… f**king sickening.” Ant then made a crazed allegation, accusing the radio station of “frying peoples minds with the same 15 songs every f**king day.”  

Ant, who enjoyed brief success in the eighties, continued his rant, “I just wanted to shake the f**kers up a bit, listening to the same 15 records all day can’t be good for you, can it?” Although the breakfast DJ didn’t fear for his life, he did fear what the effect on his long-term listeners might be, as he was forced to listen to a barrage of songs he didn’t know existed. “How can such songs be allowed to have been made?” asked Toby.

 

Toby isn’t the only one to be offended and affected. Peter, the caller for the quiz that morning, said he was looking forward to winning a car sticker to proudly place on the back of his car. But instead was sworn at and told to listen to music that he found disturbing. “I’m deeply hurt and still want my free Dunce FM car sticker,” insisted Peter. Dunce FM have confirmed they will send a car sticker and have made an apology to Peter and his family assembled in his living room that morning to hear the proud moment, when Peter was finally live on air at Dunce FM. “My wife, mother and sister were present and disgusted, almost as much as I was,” Peter explained, adding he was now going through counseling for the trauma suffered.

 

The matter has caused some controversy since, with a local MP from the Opportunistic Party saying, “This is disgusting. I hope the man is heavily punished for such an outrage.” Local Judge, Bradley Bastard, saying, “If I was the sitting magistrate, I’d throw the book at him.” Tensions are running high and Ant Miles is expected to attend court next week to face charges.

Meanwhile, Dunce FM have reviewed their pizza delivery checks.