Last evening was a typical fight like the rest of them for the Runner Bean; he got in the ring, was soundly beaten by his opponent, - on this occasion quite badly - then left with his £25 appearance fee. But this particular defeat was the one that ended the Runner Bean’s long and consistently poor career in the amateur wrestling ring. He has a day job as a trade counter clerk at a local Plumber’s Merchants, thankfully, because his visits to the wrestling ring cost more than the £25 match fee. All of his previous 46 fights had ended the same way; a brief and sometimes violent defeat and an exit from the ring, until he next had the courage to face another opponent.

 

The Runner Bean was named so for his appearance; a tall slim man in a green shade of spandex all-in-one suite as well as his green mask which hid his true identity. Throughout the other 46 defeats the Runner Bean was always beaten yet had maintained the fun of the fight, albeit briefly but fight number 47 was the one that ended all the fun. His wife had mocked his appearance, but admired his spirit, if not stupidity. He had a small cult following with residents in the Berkshire area.

He even had a website: therunnerbean.com which promoted good causes and his profession, as well as pictures of his latest defeat; gaining dozens of fans worldwide to-date.

 

He had many more views on videos that had gone viral without his knowing, such as ‘world’s worst wrestler,’ but those close to him never told him this. Nonetheless after years of trying his best the Runner Bean couldn’t buy a win or even win a single fight in all those fights, but kept turning up for the fun of taking part and the charity collection.

The decision to end his very poor armature wrestling career was taken out of his hands when he fought in his 47^th fight last Friday and while taking a beating and to everyone’s horror he was unmasked, presenting his – up until then – face and identity to all of the world, or at least all those present to see for the first time.

 

You see the Runner Bean’s mask was just as much a part of the Runner Bean as his blood and he felt unmasking far greater than any other punch, kick, and throttle had suffered before. That mask had helped the Runner Bean raise for charities and good causes as well as promote the cult of personality around who the man might be behind the mask that had developed over the years by the locals who’d bothered to watch his beatings. The Runner Bean knew as long as he had the mask he had protection from exposure but the disrobing of the Runner Bean’s identity revealed the truth to the rest of the Reading armature wrestling fraternity that were assembled that night, as well as a couple of spectators waiting for a boxing match that was scheduled to take place straight afterwards. Everyone there didn’t recognise him anyway, but – like myself – will never reveal his true identity.

 

The humiliation and embarrassment of being unmasked for the first time meant the Runner Bean had to take the opportunity to announce his retirement. Unfortunately, the microphone wasn’t on and he had to shout it to an old man, who kept asking “What’s the referee saying?” Perhaps it’s a good thing there weren’t many in the hall after all as it was an emotional speech with more than a few tears, just not heard by anyone present, I guess you had to be a good mime reader. However, every great champion has to call it a day and that goes for great losers like the runner bean as well and he’d called it a day three fights short of fifty; a landmark he once thought he’d reach.

 

After almost 30 years of little training, Andy’s body couldn’t take the strain that younger members of the wrestling fraternity find easier to shake off. In many ways it is a miracle that he’s lasted so long in the amateur wrestling world and withstood the constant battering around the ring for so long now, but he often said, “compared to the violent outbursts of his wife over the last thirty years, the wrestling is an easy option.” I take his word for it, and having seen his wife I’ll say he’s probably right.  

 

At work, he certainly doesn’t display the same outrageous behaviour other wrestlers a guilty of; he’s quiet, mild mannered and very helpful to the daily trade of plumber’s who order and collect parts from trade counter. No matter what the problem, the Runner Bean has rarely allowed himself to get violent with almost anyone.

 

In fact, the Runner Bean’s a good Christian outside the ring; a popular member of his local church where he does much work for charity as well as provide a helping hand and often seen running little errands for the grateful vicar. The Runner Bean is also a very good worker, a knowledgeable man, who has given his best years to serving the trade at the company.

Unknown to the vast majority of those customers is his identity, successfully kept from them even if they’d ever have guessed, as he never felt the need to tell a single sole. In deed there was only one occasion that the Runner Bean ever had the matter discussed by a plumber and it’s a day that is remembered by those that knew him as the one time he lost his temper.

 

On this particular day the Runner Bean had awoke with a banging headache that throbbed like hell. Lesser men would’ve the day off but the Runner Bean hasn’t taken a day off sick for over ten years, so calling in sick is not an option. His immediate supervisor, the Trade counter Owner dealt with the morning rush with the same unrivalled enthusiasm and professional problem solving that the regular’s customers are used to but all the morning the Runner Bean struggled with the migraine from hell, which would not abate even though he took a few headache pills. His line manager suggested he take two more pills, but the pain only slightly receded to a constant numbing of the head. Yet the Runner Bean went on, determined to work through the pain and continue serving the plumbers with a smile.

 

Later on, a particularly unpleasant plumber that the Runner Bean has always been able to put up with enters the building. For a moment the runner Bean wanted to leave the plumber to someone else but he did the right thing and said “How may I help you sir?”  “Give us two plugs would ya mate?” The Plumber looks vacantly out the window as the Runner Bean requests “Do you have an account sir?” This seems to irritate the plumber, “No I bloody don’t! Just get the plugs for me you bloody idiot!” The Runner Bean attempted to assure the customer, “Ok a cash sale it will be…” The irritated plumber remarks “Cash, card, goats, or buttons. Call it what you like. Just give us two blinking plugs!” Hesitantly and by now with a very sore head, the Runner Bean asks “what type?” The plumber is now increasingly irked, “Two one-inch black iron blinking plugs, if you don’t mind, you simple idiot!” “OK” came the Runner Bean’s prompt reply as he ran off to get the fitting and although he had a very sore head returned swiftly. After the plumber pays for this, he then says “next I want a roll of unleaded solder,” but the Runner Bean is confused, so asks “Why didn’t you say so before?” The plumber shouts “Because you didn’t bloody ask, you thick-witted idiot!”

 

It was at this moment the Runner Bean considered telling the man to stop insulting him, but the Runner Bean has a lot of patience and so after a brief hesitation said “Never mind, OK mate.” But the plumber snarls, “I’m not your blinking mate, so just hurry up and get me the blinking solder!” The Runner Bean’s head sure did hurt by now.

 

In deed the plumber continued to grumble as the Runner Bean picked the order. While locating the roll of unleaded solder the Runner Bean felt his chest constrict and knew then that when he returned, he’d have to say something to the man. After briefly resting against the wall for a moment’s relaxation from the migraine the Runner Bean returned to the words, “Come on slacker!” from the irate Plumber, “What took you so blinking long?”

 

Finally exasperated at the lack of respect the Runner Bean snaps, “I can only do one thing at a time. Please!” Then the plumber stood back in surprise, “What’s got in to you then?”  The Runner Bean replied “You put a lot of pressure on me and I am unable…” But the plumber interrupts “Shut up and stop moaning you thick edged half wit...” the Runner Bean stood back, sternly asking “Can you please stop insulting me? I have a head ache and I just can’t take much more…” Again, the plumber interrupts, “You’re giving me a blinking head ache listening to your winy voice, mate.” He laughed with a sinister tone and slapped the Runner Bean on his arm quite firmly, “I’m only having a laugh with you.” The Runner Bean pulled back from the plumbers over familiar touch and explained “It’s hard to see you’re just joking, also can you not hit me again?” “Oooohhh!” The plumber shouts and then slaps the Runner Bean even harder on the arm, so the Runner bean puts his paper work down on the counter and asks “This is your last warning. Please don’t touch me again.” The plumber briefly turned to the interested people about, “I’ll slap you any time I like mate!”

 

Then the plumber went to slap the Runner Bean on the arm again, but the Runner Bean’s fighting instincts kicked in; he blocked his arm, leapt over the trade counter, and held the startled plumber in a neck lock, then asked the stunned plumber again “Could you please not slap my arm again?” The plumber was in agony and shock, pleading “Sorry mate, there was a misunderstanding, really there was... Sorry. Please let me go. Sorry!” For a while all those present were whiteness to one of those moments when a bully is put in his place, making the Runner Bean a hero in the eyes of all who witnessed an end to the plumber’s tyranny. The Runner Bean asked “Promise to behave?” “Yeah, of course mate! I’ll be good and never hit you again.” With this promise, the Runner Bean released the humbled plumber and there was a spontaneous applause from all those who witnessed the one time the Runner Bean lost his temper.

 

The plumber left and never caused a scene again in all the many times he’s been in to the branch; he behaves impeccably, even when fittings are delayed or any other order query gets in the way of an otherwise prompt and friendly service from the Runner Bean. In fact, the same plumber will often pass on his cautionary tale to other plumbers who are new to the branch and find fault with the Runner Beans service.

 

So, the 47^th defeat and the uncovering of his face signalled the end of a long and fruitless career in the ring for the Runner Bean. Yet that’s not the end of the Runner Bean and his legendary status.

 

After all, for a man that had made his name inside the ring was never going to lose the lure of the fight completely. His desire was not completely extinguished by the humiliation he’d suffered by being unmasked and beaten so often. He’s decided to dedicate more of his free time he’ll now have to helping promote and train the Runner Beans of the future.

 

In addition, the Runner Bean is to be asked to turn the Christmas lights on in Reading this Christmas or next maybe. There is of course the Christmas special, which the Runner Bean will be the star turn of this year. The event will be taking part in town, with all proceeds going to the local charities and the event hopefully would help encouraging younger Runner Beans to take up the fun.

 

Without the buzz of the fight and defeat the most exciting thing to happen to the Runner Bean week and most weeks onwards are the weekly visits to the park to watch the kites fly high above the kite fliers. It’s not as exiting but for the Runner Bean is strangely just fulfilling; he can relax while watching the progress of the kites and let his mind look back on the long and unsuccessful career he once had and be grateful that he didn’t suffer any serious injuries that might have blighted the small amount of dignity gained from his 47 defeats in a row.

 

 

He will auction off his famous spandex all-in-one outfit, give all the proceeds to the charities he’s always supported. That’s the mark of the Runner Bean; no matter what success, - or lack of - he still thinks of those less fortunate than himself, passing on the love and more importantly the money from the sale to the charities. It is likely to fetch at least fifty pounds to some very strange person indeed, not including the cost of the postage and packaging.

 

He will coach future Runner Beans from Reading and the Berkshire area and his exploits in the ring will not go unknown in the world of amateur wrestling - within the Reading area at least - because a local author has been commissioned to write a small book that will highlight the career of the famous Runner Bean and his long run of defeats. The book is set to be published next year and admittedly it’ll be a bloody small book, but I’ll pay the 89p for a copy. Will you?