Pleased with herself, Sarah had finally uploaded the advert offering the two spare kettlebells for sale at a decent price. She was, finally, taking advantage of the upsurge in demand for gym equipment, after the lockdown, and regretted not getting round to it earlier, as she had to lower the price, but she was getting rid of something she never used that took up space. They belonged to her ex anyway, who gave them to her as a, poorly thought out, present, being too heavy for her to use. Now Sarah could concentrate on looking for her next job, having been made redundant a month earlier.

Aimlessly procrastinating, Sarah started reading some of the situation’s vacant adverts on the same website when one advert caught her eye. At first, it seemed simple enough; a vacancy for a live-in-cleaner. But instead of offering a wage, the advert was demanding the live-in-cleaner pay for the privilege of staying in the house at the same time. She wondered if the advert was in the wrong section, and she wasn’t sure exactly what she was reading, Sarah sat up and looked closer at the screen with disbelief as she read with more concentration.  

Live-in-cleaner urgently required

Live-in-cleaner urgently required for a cramped, two-and-a-half-bedroom terrace house-share.

You are expected to have references, pay a month rent for deposit and have a high standard of cleanliness to administer throughout the house on a regular basis. Out of the three rooms, two of the rooms are taken by night shift workers, who need to be attended to as they are incapable to cleaning after themselves. The Landlord lives in an extension at the back of the house and will only be in the house for the daily use of the washer and dryer, bathroom toilet and shower and to fill the odd draw full of his paperwork and the making of his ready meals in the microwave.

If you are chosen, you will be expected to clean up after the other house mates, who sleep in the day and would expect you to be out at work so that their sleep is not disturbed, as they have double standards and require silence when they sleep. The walls are paper thin and therefore they will hear every noise you make, and you will hear every burp, fart, vomit and snore they make, so be as quiet as you can. Your room is the half-room in the middle, but don’t expect to pay less, as you use the facilities, like anyone else, so you should pay as much as the others to ensure that the other two, long-established, housemates do not feel offended.

Although you must be quiet when the others are sleeping, you must be happy to listen the random, violent shouting from the shift workers when they are on the phone, and their loud TVs and music when they are up all night, so it is suggested you use ear plugs to stand any chance of sleeping.

As far as house cleanliness goes, firstly, you will be expected to keep the toilet spotless, by cleaning it every single time you use it. To ensure this is done the other two housemates will urinate all over the seat and around the toilet bowl with no aim accuracy whatsoever, leaving you no choice if you want to use it without getting urine on yourself. There is also the matter of faeces, which, due to the poor diet of the other housemates, is generally in the diarrhoea form and will be hard to shift if left to go dry around the pan.  Please be advised that the toilet brush is a bit flimsy and may come off into the pan, so we suggest you clean the pan by hand which will be less disgusting in the long run. When you need to use the sink and shower, you will be expected to clean this every single time, because the other housemates will never do so. The shower will have the long hairs of one of the housemates and smells of urine most of the time due to continued mix up between toilet and shower by one of the housemates.

It goes without saying that we will expect the same in the kitchen (including all appliances) as the other housemates don’t like to bother themselves with cleaning after cooking, so you will need to soak the oven appliances and clean the knives and folks which will be thrown back in to draw without being cleaned. There is a cupboard for you to use for your own utensils and cooking ingredients but be aware that your cupboard will be regularly raided for said utensils, cooking ingredients and anything else which might be of some short-term use to the other housemates, who reject the notion of personal property outside their bedroom’s.

With regards to the living room, which will be regularly strewn with emptied beer cans and take-away cartons, that have an odour of all their own, you will need to clear these up regularly, to facilitate the other housemates and their weekend TV watching with a select group of equally dirty friends.

As for the rest of the house, it is expected that you will give a thorough cleaning of the house every week, so that your job is a bit easier and the other housemates can rest assured that someone is cleaning up after them. They will not help and will not offer to help, so be aware that there will be times when it seems that you work is not appreciated, because it will not be. However, it will be, oddly enough, noticed if you have not cleaned to the standard expected. Please also be aware that there will be defecation spillages to clean up on Friday and Saturday nights. Not every Friday and Saturday, but most of the Friday and Saturdays for the month, which are alcohol related and may come with a certain amount of verbal abuse.

It must be made clear that there will be no gratitude for your efforts, but many complaints if you do something that the housemates don’t like. So, if the opportunity to clean up after our house is of interest, then do respond to the advert as soon as possible, because the cleaning won’t do itself!

 

Sarah started reading the article again, laughing and shrieking with incredulity as she consciously understood, what seemed ether and bloody audacity or a brilliantly funny joke. The wicked thought crept in to her head and she decided to give the number a call.