MY OLD MAN'S A DUSTMAN.
MY OLD MAN’S A DUSTMAN.
THE DOOR TO A SMALL BEDSIT OPENS, AND IN WALK THREE MEN.
Ben (looking disappointed) Thanks Nick!
Nick (nervously laughing) and here we are! Your’ flat!
Ben Nick! This isn’t no flat! It’s a bed-sit! Not a flat, Nick! Bill?
Nick There’s your kitchen area, there’s your couch and there’s your bed!
Bill (dejected) whatever! I just want to sleep!
Ben This isn’t no good! Nick, you said you had a flat!
Nick (Laughing) Sorry Ben! It’s been a while since you’ve had to live like this! If you want a place to sleep then this is it!
Ben What you getting at Nick?
Nick Listen Ben, I’m saying nothing! Just saying you can’t afford better, so you’d best make the best of it! After all, you two are money men! Money makers and all that stuff!
Ben (angry)Take your money, you...
Bill ...Listen Ben, just give him the money and let’s get to sleep! Thanks for your help Nick!
Nick Wise words! You should listen to your older brother! He’s got the wisdom of age! He knows he’s buggered and is ready to accept it! You’re a hot-head, that’s been living in Portugal too long. Gone native, if you know what I mean!
Ben Take your money Nick!
Nick Thanks! I’m doing you two a favour anyway! I took you losers in, when others would have asked double what i did!
Ben (sarcastically) you’re a real friend Nick!
Nick (sniggering) Pay the rent and I’ll have no need to talk to you!
Bill Suites us fine! Say good night Ben!
Ben Nick!
Nick Ben!
BILL LEANS OVER AND CLOSES THE DOOR WITH HIS FOOT THEN SITS ON THE BED.
Bill I’m absolutely...
Ben Hey! Don’t start getting all down on me!
Bill Sorry Ben! I’m really beat this time! Really beat!
Ben It’s gonna be OK! Though!
Bill (dejected) Thirty-three years of age and back on the merry-go-round! Same old renting game!
Ben Please! Don’t get like that! Not you Bill!
Bill Going to bed!
Ben OK but it will be OK.
BILL TURNS OUT THE LIGHT AND THEY GET IN BED HEAD TO TOE.
Ben It’ll be OK Bill!
Bill Your feet stink Ben. At least take off your socks. On second thought don’t! Benny! No Ben!
Ben I know it looks bad! But in a way cos we’re together we have a chance to get things going again. Good times will be back! You’re too good to let it upset you.
BILL STARTS SNORING.
BEN (whispering) It’ll be OK! Night Billy!
MORNING AND BEN WAKES UP ALONE.
BEN SITS FOR A WHILE LOOKING GLUMLY ROUND THE STUDIO FLAT.
Ben Oh crap! It wasn’t a bad dream then!
THE LOCK OF THE DOOR IS OPEND AND BILL BURSTS IN.
Bill Moring! Morning! Get a load of that!
BILL BRINGS THE SHOPING IN AND THOWS THE PAPER TO BEN.
Ben What time is it?
Bill Ten minutes past wakes your ass up o clock!
Ben I’m still tiered!
Bill Good thing one of us has made a start then!
BILL STARTS TO TIDY UP.
Bill We’ll get this place cleaned up in to a nice little flat! We’ll be all right!
Ben What’s happened Billy?
Bill Give us a hand then and I’ll tell you!
Ben Good to see you back!
BEN STARTS TO TIDY UP.
Bill Don’t get all emotional! I phoned that agency about any work they got and I got an interview for a management position at a multi-national company.
Ben Management position!
Bill I noticed down the office! You know those professional gamblers?
Ben Yes!
0Bill If they gave up when we got a poor hand they’d never win, so what do we do?
Ben Look confident!
Bill That’s right. While i was there i noticed people say any old crap and if you look believable you can get an interview any job!
Ben What?
Bill I said to her...
Ben Who?
Bill Girl at the agency! Who else?
Ben Right!
Bill So when she asks if I would be interested in the management positions I said of course! She thought I was management type!
Ben And she was blind!
Bill Don’t be funny! It’s all about bravado! If you look confident when you say something...
Ben People believe you! But what about this management position?
Bill She said there was one immediate vacancy that hadn’t been filled for over a week! This is a long time in her world!
Ben (concerned) No Billy!
Bill What? I never said anything!
Ben You don’t need to. I bet you’ve roped me in to some crazy job, where we end up picking rubbish off the streets.
Bill We don’t have to! Or i don’t any way.
Ben I don’t like the sound of it! So what do I have to do?
Bill You’re my assistant manager!
Ben (exasperated) you’re not serious. They must be desperate or work some ungodly hours!
Bill Something like that Benny!
Ben No! What do we know about management?
Bill What does anyone know about it?
Ben Managers! Professional managers! That actual knows about managing!
Bill OK I concede, but what does anyone else know?
Ben Billy!
Bill It’ll be all right! It’s a new adventure! We’ll soon be back in the...
Ben Black!
Bill So while you give this place a good clean, I’m gonna see the regional manager of these lot!
Ben Great! I get to clean up!
Bill You get the easy part! I get to meet a Mr Elder!
Ben Do you really think you’ll get it?
Bill Of course!
Ben Full of life and hope again!
Bill We need to sort all our debts out! Only one way to do it! We need money coming in and if we get this, then we’ll sort the flat out!
Ben (encouraged) OK Bill! Yeah I’ll give the place a proper clean! Why not? We’ve got nothing to lose!
Ben See you Billy! Good luck!
BEN SEARCHES THE CUPBOURDS FOR THE CLEANING MATERIALS AND STARTS TO CLEAN.
CHANGE SCENE
BILL ENTERS THE RECEPTION AREA OF HATTERS REFUSE COMPANY.
Mr Elder Ah! Mr Dodge I presume?
Bill Mr elder I presume! You may call me Bill! Can i call you...?
Mr Elder (interrupting) you most certainly may not! Please come this way and through to the office. The mangers office.
Bill OK.
Mr Elder Please sit down. This is the manager’s office! If you are successful in this interview then you may be offered the job! It is an immediate vacancy and as such you will be offered any compensation for the loss of earnings from your previous employer!
Bill OK. So you need someone to start strait away?
Mr Elder Yes Mr Dodge!
MR ELDER SITS BACK AND STUDIES THE CV WITH INTEREST AND LAUGHS OUT LOUD.
Mr Elder You certainly have a distinguished career in the business world! Manager of some great companies. Your time with the software giant, Maxhard, is great, if it weren’t for the fact that they don’t have a branch in this town!
Bill Really?
Mr Elder Yes really, Mr Dodge! It seems that this is not the only complete lie! You say you do work for charity!
Bill I say the unknown charity work, cos it is unknown!
Mr Elder you don’t fool me for one minute, Mr Dodge!
Bill I don’t see what you mean! I believe I’m good enough to hold the position and would be happy to prove it!
Mr Elder Prove what? That you’re a chancer! That is what you are Mr Dodge?
Bill Who in life isn’t a bit of a chancre?
Mr Elder you’re just like your father! Because of that I’m going to offer it to you!
Bill (stunned) how do you know my father?
Mr Elder In the early eighties your father worked round my way as a dustman!
Bill That’s right! Why didn’t you say?
Mr Elder Mind your own business! Anyway, I knew him for a while, before he went to jail!
Bill Did you get on?
Mr Elder I hated his guts! No problem with you! But i thought him to be a gambling man! The kind of man who thinks about gambling all the time, even if he doesn’t give in to the temptation that’s always there!
Bill Yes! I mean is that so!
Mr Elder Yes, a gambling man! No doubt you’ve been so ashamed and appalled by his horrendous losses that you’ve never even played a game of poker!
Bill I don’t gamble at all... Right now! At all!
Mr Elder I’m in direct charge of the South-west region Mr Dodge and I expect your co-operation when I run for president of the board next July. There are of course other favours I will ask from time to time, but the truth is Mr Dodge.
Bill What?
Mr Elder you see this post is not all it seems! You will have to contend with a strange group of people! The people here have been here for some years and are set in their ways. I don’t want you to disrupt what is -at present- a successful refuse service for the town. However, I do want you to keep the appearance of a normal branch in the company and the voting bloc will remain in my control.
Bill Why do I need to know about your election?
Mr Elder because, my ignorant friend I will need your vote on certain things and i know that your father was the same as you.
Bill Really?
Mr Elder Yes. Really! He knew a good deal and told me you would jump at the chance to be a puppet, cos you have a chance to get a proper wage for doing not too much. This branch is special and I want it to be run as the same as every other year before.
Bill So I do as you say?
Mr Elder like I said your father was the same. He cared about an easy life, where he could find it.
Bill Sounds simple. Do i need to do much in the way of...?
Mr Elder (interrupting) Nothing at all. Just stay out of the way of Frank, who runs the warehouse and transport.
Bill This is quite a situation! Can I take my brother to help me out?
Mr Elder so you two are a team again?
Bill Since our old man died, we’ve been looking after each other. I suppose it would be as my assistant manager!
Mr Elder (laughing) I’ve worked in management for twenty-five years Mr Dodge. I’ve met some characters on the way, including your father! And I know your sort!
Bill (joking) I like the fact that you seem to know me so well...
Mr Elder I’m no fool Mr Dodge! May I tell it like it is, as you younger drifters call it?
Bill Well you don’t seem to of held back so far!
Mr Elder Inside you’re doing cartwheels. You think you got lucky. And in a way you have. You see your father asked me for a helping hand once and out of personal spite I didn’t. I saw how much worse he got!
Bill Was that his gambling?
Mr Elder Yes. Thing is I’m still a man of business and I want the top job. I am doing a deliberate favour, because I feel obliged and I think you’ll be so bloody grateful that you will turn up at the conferences and cast the vote my way!
Bill I see! So, if I just keep things ticking over?
Mr Elder Simple as that, although I don’t like slouches Mr Dodge, you are always dispensable to me! Understand?
Bill I understand! Of course, and I am grateful!
Mr Elder Mr Doge! Bill! If you turn on me, I’ll hold you personally responsible, anything you can do to enhance my image, such as open days and so forth, promotions and other positive crap is all good for me too. Understand?
Bill OK! Sounds reasonable!
Mr Elder (shouting) No Bill! Listen! There are twelve branches under my watch and next year I want it to be in charge of the rest! You will do as i ask and you will get the chance to be a manager, take a bit of money from it and get out of whatever filth you’re lying in!
Bill OK Mr Elder. It’s a bit of a strange thing for me to be sitting here. But most of my life has been strange. It’s a tempting chance!
Mr Elder Yes you can! Keep your brother as your assistant that is! So, he must be the younger one! No harm to me!
Bill Mr Elder this is a strange situation to be in and I’m tempted!
Mr Elder No good being tempted! Are you in or not? Good salary! Compensation! Cash!
Bill Cash?
Mr Elder How much compensation cash do you want?
Bill Five grand should do it!
Mr Elder Mr Dodge I may seem a silly old fool, who has a wet and warm heart. But Mr Dodge I’m more then prepared to get very personal and bitter if you cross me!
Bill I have no intention of...
Mr Elder (interrupting) five grand then! Not a problem! This is going to seem somewhat strange, but can you just turn around?
Bill (turning) Oh not a problem.
Mr Elder (counting) some people can’t be trusted! And if you lie to me, I will get revenge!
Bill No need for that then!
Mr Elder you may turn round now Mr Dodge!
Bill (turning) even in a brown envelope!
Mr Elder (smiling) It’s not the same if it’s not in a brown envelope! Pick it up then!
BILL GOES TO PICK UP THE MONEY, WHILE MR ELDER GRABS HIS HAND.
Mr Elder you’re a chancer! And you could do well out of me, so don’t go running off Bill!
Bill (scared) All right Mr Elder! I need the work and the money would be nice! I’m sure the work force can’t be too bad to deal with! I’ve dealt with people all my life! Be a doddle!
Mr Elder Good! That sounds fine to me!
Bill What now?
Mr Elder I want you to start work tomorrow!
Bill OK! Bit soon!
Mr Elder Good! That’s right it is just right! OK so in the meantime we have a couple of hours until the drivers crew get back from their rounds, so you get some lunch and come back at about half three.
Bill I’ll go get some lunch then! See you at half three!
Mr Elder Remember Bill! Play the part!
Bill Sounds great to me!
CHANGE SCENE
BEN IS SITTING NEXT TO THE CUPBOARD, WHICH IS HALF WAY THROUGH THE WALL TO THE AJOINING ROOM.
THE MOBILE RINGS.
Ben Hello!
Bill It’s me Benny boy! Ye ha! Ye ha! Didn’t I say I’d do it?
Ben What’s happened?
Bill we did it Benny boy! I got the job! Meet me for lunch! Down the Prince of Wales! Hurry and I’ll fill you in!
Ben That’s wicked! You really do come up with the goods!
Bill What you getting all emotional for. Come on hurry up!
Ben I’ll be there!
BEN SCRAMBLES HIS WAY THROUGH THE RUBBLE THEN OUT THE DOOR.
CHANGE SCENE
THE PRICE OF WALES PUB. BEN ENTERS THE PUB AND SEARCHES FOR BILL.
BILL IS AT THE BAR WAVING HIM OVER.
Bill What you having?
Ben Pint of usual! I’ll get us a seat!
Bill No! I‘ll stand. Watching folk and that. See more action standing up! Pints of Bitter for him bar man!
BARMAN PULLS THE PINT AND TAKES THE MONEY. BEN TAKES A LONG DRINK.
Ben Oh that was ace! I needed that! I’m shattered!
Bill You started cleaning the place up properly?
Ben (hesitantly) Oh yes, I did try to clean up!
Bill Good. Listen, Benny I haven’t long. I met this Mr Elder. Turns out he knew our pops!
BILL EXPLAINS THE SITUATION SO FAR.
Bill OK Benny! Yes tomorrow. I know it looks a bit slap-dash and hope for the best, but...
Ben It always does!
Bill He gave me five grand cash if we start tomorrow!
THE TWO HUG.
Ben (Laughing) You the man!
Bill so we tell Nick where to shove his crappy little flat and get ourselves a nice place, while the money rolls in. Not in great quantity, but a better and more stable life! Not all about money!
Ben Not all about money! It’s always about money for you! You’re getting soft!
Bill True! But we will get a better place than that dump!
Ben There’s something I’ve been meaning to say. (Pause) When I was cleaning up, I had an accident! Slippery hands again!
Bill Did the place burn down?
Ben No!
Bill Then get back and get dressed and meet me with your best. No not you! Just get one of mine out the cupboard. OK
Ben OK Sure thing bro!
Bill This could really be it for us! A stable life. No more worrying about how we’re gonna make ends meet. We got to take this chance Benny!
Ben (unconvinced) yes why not this could be the chance!
CHANGE SCENE.
THEY ARRIVE AT THE RECEPTION AREA OF HATTERS REFUSE COMPANY.
Mr Elder Mr Dodge. Good to see you. And you must be Mr Dodge the second. This is the branch secretary Mary.
Ben Hello Mary!
Bill Hi
Ben Pleased to meet you.
Mr Elder (offended) how could you possibly know that? You are pleased to meet, yet you have not met me yet! Poor English is unacceptable at the best of drunken fits Mr Dodge the second.
Mary I quite agree! No manners anymore! Used to put such people off to the far reaches of the empire! More is the pity!
Bill Sorry Mr Elder. My brother didn’t go to school as much as he would have liked.
Mr Elder and did he ever like to go to school?
Bill NO! Cos he didn’t like to.
Mary Shocking! And you’re the assistant manager then?
Ben Well...
Bill Sir Winston Churchill never went to school! Besides it made scene to him at the time. (Winking) Aint that so Ben?
Ben Made sense. I suppose!
Mr Elder you got yourself a regular monkey. He does everything you tell him.
Ben Not everything!
Bill Quiet Benny!
Ben Sorry!
Mr Elder No matter! Mary would you be so kind to ask Frank and his drivers to wait around for a chat in the canteen?
Mary Of course. I hope you understand the way we work Bill and Ben?
Bill Part of a successful team is the understanding between the players!
Mary (while leaving) Thank you Bill.
Mr Elder So Mr Dodge and Mr Dodge! What have you got yourselves in to?
Bill Mr Elder, I think it’s fair to say that me and Ben never let ourselves get daunted by events. Aint that so Ben?
Ben (reluctantly) Oh yeah Billy. Never get bothered by nothing.
Mr Elder I hope you brother’s not going to upset the banana basket Billy!
Bill Not a problem! It’s fine. It’s been an eventful day Mr Dodge and we’re all looking forward to meeting the drivers and cracking on with the work.
THE DOOR OPENS AND IN ENTERS THE LARGE FRAME OF FRANK.
Mr Elder This is Frank!
Frank (menacingly) so you’re the one who got rid of George?
Mr Elder No Frank! He’s replacing George! He knows nothing about George!
Bill Nothing!
Frank I run the driving side of things. So, you’ve been sent down from the high and mighty in London to sort us all out then?
Bill (confused) No I just came to the interview really!
Frank I’m showing you a little bit of manors like! But Billy do yourself a favour and don’t ever have the nerve to enter my office!
Mr Elder (calming) OK frank! You won’t be bothered by anyone!
Frank So this is your latest stunt! A complete idiot and his weird looking boyfriend!
Mr Elder Firstly Frank Bill is not such a fool and secondly Ben is his brother. It’s a safe bet Frank! I know you two can get along fine! George is a close friend even now, but he’s in jail Frank. So, we need a replacement. It’s all going to be fine.
Frank Maybe! Who knows, but Bill lad, don’t get in my way and we’ll get along fine. Suppose we need a guy in a suit to push pens!
Bill I’m sure me and Ben will do fine! After all it’s a learning process for all of us!
Frank (annoyed) I should bloody hope not! I don’t want to learn bugger all thanks! I want things as they are. And that’s that!
Ben (laughing) nice one Billy! How to make friends...
Bill All right!
Mr Elder Seems we’re all getting along well enough!
THERE IS A LONG SILENCE AS FRANK STARES AT THE BROTHERS.
BEN STARTS TO WHISTLE THE THEME TUNE OF THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY.
Frank Remembers boys stay out of my way!
Mr Elder (unconcerned) OK Frank! Shall we proceed to the canteen and meet the others.
Bill (Concerned) I’m a bit worried about the atmosphere! He seems a bit wound up. If you know what I mean?
Mr Elder No I haven’t a clue what you mean! No matter! You’ve met Frank and the task is simple. You do want your money?
Ben Aint gonna be easy with captain anger
Frank Just stay out of my way!
Bill Ben! It’ll be fine. We’ll all get along fine! (Straightening up) We’re management and as such should not interfere with the staff!
Mr Elder that’s the spirit! You two will be fine! Now come and meet the others!
Frank (reluctantly) Yes why not. Let’s meet my team.
CHANGE SCENE.
CANTEEN CLOCK SAYS THREE THIRTY. THERE ARE FOUR PEOPLE SITING AT THE TABLE.
Fred All I will say is whoever this Mr Dodge is, he’s either bloody stupid or a genius.
Mary Don’t be daft! Stupid or genius! He’s here for the money! It pays well to be branch manager.
Desmond Whoever de fool is, he stay out ma way! I just want to pick up de shit! Dump de shit! And go home and smoke a nice fat one!
Terry Bloody hell Des! You ever go without that stuff?
Fred Stay focussed Tel! We’re talking about this new fella!
Terry Mary tell Fred to stop worrying about it! You’re too paranoid Fred! Worry too much about crap that doesn’t matter!
Desmond Ya man! True! Freddy boy you gotta have some of de herb ma man!
Fred (annoyed) Mary! Could you tell Terry to stop saying that? Every time we talk about something you can’t keep your bloody concentration! Tell him that!
Mary Do you want me to tell him?
DESMOND LAUGHS AS THE DOOR OPENS AND IN WALK BEN, FRANK, BILL AND MR ELDER.
Mr Elder OK Frank, why don’t you take us through the staff?
Frank What a load of crap! (Reluctantly) OK then! This is Mary, looks after admin and all that crap!
Mary Afternoon Bill! Can I call you Bill?
Bill Of course. This is my brother everyone, Ben!
Ben (nervous) Hi!
Bill Pleased to meet you Mary!
Frank (irritated) Thank you Mary! And these three are my drivers! Fred!
Fred So you’re the new Boss?
Bill Manager Yes that’s right! How long have you been here?
Fred Twenty-seven years. I retire in six months’ time!
Bill Not long for you then! Have you many plans for your retirement?
Fred Getting as far away from these idiots as possible! That’s the plan.
Mary (interrupting) I’ve been here twenty-three years. But I shan’t say my age and it would be rude of you to ask! Are you asking?
Frank (irritated) and this is Terry, he’s been driving for us twelve years, before you ask.
Terry Hi! Good luck to you.
Desmond I been here twenty years next Feb! What you got here Billy and Benny Is an old group of drivers, that gonna take some shifting!
Frank (pleased) Good point Desmond lad! Like it!
Ben No one said anything about shifting! What you getting at?
Bill Don’t worry Benny! Hi Desmond. I’m sure we’ll all get along fine! Mr Elder may i say a couple of things to the group?
Mary Please remember lads. There is a lady present!
Ben (concerned) No need Bill!
Mr Elder Sure! Why not!
Frank (sarcastic) this’ll be good!
Bill Right! I’m here to manage the affairs of the branch and not the drivers, so as long as you continue the great job, you’re doing...
TERRY, DESMOND AND FRED BURST IN TO LAUGHTER.
Terry (mocking) Great job you’re doing!
Desmond You aint seen our work then?
Fred Six more months left! That’s all I got! Leave me alone and I’ll be fine!
Terry I hate the customers and the traffic and anything else on the road!
Desmond Great Job Bill and Ben! We see them all come and go. But for now, you the new governors now! Ah!
Fred Just six more miserable months left and I’m free to go wherever I want in the world!
Desmond (laughing) tell the man Bill where you going!
Terry You’ll like this Bill. All those years of saving and he’s gonna retire in...
Fred (proudly) The Orkney Islands! Lovely place! Suppose you’re off back to the jungle one day Des!
Desmond (laughing) always was a racist Freddy! The Orkney Islands! Can you believe that?
Ben Where the hell is that?
Fred About hundred fifty miles north east of Scotland.
Terry What a place to retire! Out in the middle of nowhere! But for a miserable bugger like you...
Frank (interrupting) Quiet! You lot! Billy It was a nice speech and all, but these men just want to go home! OK you’re the manager, until it all goes wrong again, but let the men get home!
Mr Elder No! Let Mr Dodge finish his speech! Continue Mr Dodge!
Ben I think he’d finished anyway!
Bill Yeah! That’s right. Any problems and you know where I am.
Frank We start early and finish early so you won’t see a lot of us and we don’t intend to see a lot of you, but we’re civilised people!
Desmond (sniggering) civilised! That’s right!
Mr Elder OK Frank! We’ll let you boys leave! No further points Bill?
Bill Fine than! Suppose we’ll catch up at some point?
Frank Not if I can help it!
THE ROOM GOES QUIET AND FRED FARTS OUT LOAD .
Desmond That’s the smartest thing I ever heard Fred tell us!
Terry (laughing) nice one Fred!
Fred My Bowls play up from time to time! Go smoke some daisies, or whatever it is you smoke in them fags! I don’t need drugs to...
Terry (interrupting) to be a miserable bastard!
Desmond That’s good stuff Freddy! Do you some good...
Mary (disgusted) Please! There is a lady present! This is truly lavatory humour! And nothing more!
Frank (interrupting) All right! You bunch of buggers! Let’s leave the management to the pencil-pushing!
Terry Nice to meet you any way!
Fred Yeah! Sure!
Desmond You must excuse Fred! His wife’s an Ox! He only knows...
FRED CONFRONTS DESMOND AND TAKES HOLD OF HIS NECK
Bill Come on lads!
Mary There is a lady...
Fred I’ll kill him!
BILL PULLS THEM APART.
Fred I’ll knock his little golly wogs head off!
Desmond (behind Bill) True colours coming out Freddy!
Bill Come on Lads! No need for this!
Fred Come on then! Get from behind Bill and fight me then!
FRANK SLAPS FRED TO THE GROUND.
Frank (angry) Right! Des! Fred! Terry! For the final bloody time! Let’s leave the management to push those pencils!
FRED STANDS UP WITH DESMONDS’ HELP.
Desmond No hard feeling old man!
Fred Less of the old! I could have had you!
Desmond Sure you could! See ya round Billy!
IN SLOW PRECESSION FRANK AND THE DRIVERS LEAVE THE ROOM.
Ben (sarcastic) He’s a real laugh!
Mr Elder Then you’re a blind idiot! He’s a real bastard! Not a real laugh!
Ben That’s the point!
Mr Elder No it isn’t!
ALL THREE START THE WALK BACK TO THE OFFICE WHILE BILL PULLS AT BENS’ ARM.
Mr Elder Frank has had a reign of terror over this place for some twenty years now and no manager has survived longer than a week since George was thrown in jail a couple of years ago now!
Ben Right! So we got no chance then!
Bill OK Ben! I need a drink! I know that!
Mr Elder Not an alcohol...
Bill (interrupting) certainly not Mr Elder! I meant a coffee!
Ben Since when have you...
Bill (interrupting) OK Ben! Mr Elder you don’t mind me saying this all seems a bit of a task. I mean...
Mr Elder Are you having doubts?
Bill No! No doubts! No worry there!
Ben Apart from Frank and the hell he’ll inflict on us from the start!
Bill Ben! That aint a problem! We’ll be OK with him!
Ben Billy! This one’s not a bloody game of cards! With cards you can lose a bit of money. But with Psycho Frank there and his band of merry men you’ll lose a bloody eye!
THEY ALL ENTER THE OFFICE AND MR ELDER SITS AT THE DESK.
Mr Elder Then he does talk some sense! I had you down for Billy’s’ little monkey!
Ben And I had you down for an ignorant idiot!
Bill I’m sure Mr Elder meant no harm! Ben!
Mr Elder well at least you got some stubborn nerve! You’ll need that!
Bill What you mean? You’ll need that?
Mr Elder exactly what I say! Jobs don’t fall in the lap of a couple of failures like you two without a catch.
Ben You’re a devious bastard!
Mary (offended) I don’t appreciate your language young man! Could you please remember there is a lady...?
Bill (interrupting) OK Mary! Let’s not be hasty Ben!
Mr Elder Yes Ben! Let’s not be hasty! It’s as simple as I said. You two have found a lucky chance. I’m not here to help you. If you fail I’ll bring the next idiots in. And so forth!
Ben Then you can...
Bill (interrupting) OK Mr Elder! You know what! I like those odds! I see what the crack here is! I knew there was some kind of hitch.
Mr Elder (surprised) you do?
Ben You don’t!
Bill We’ve already met the problem! Frank’s the one that’s put the boot in to any poor bugger who’s tried to manage this place.
Mr Elder (relieved) you got it Billy! Pity your brother aint got the brains you got! Aint that so Ben?
Ben Go shove your job...
Bill (interrupting) Like I said I like those odds Mr Elder. If you say that we fail and you just replace us, then we got nothing to fear!
Ben Really! Apart from him kicking the crap in to you and otherwise making our lives a living hell! We always got the dole office!
Mary language please!
Mr Elder I like the approach Mr Dodge. You’ll cock it up in my view! But for what it’s worth. Good luck!
Ben Good thing you didn’t give the speech at the battle of Waterloo!
Mr Elder (laughing) Look, he knows some history! Who told you such things?
Ben I happen to...
Bill (interrupting) OK Ben! Mr Elder, I think it’s fair to say we got ourselves a deal!
Mr Elder We have!
MR ELDER AND BILL SHAKE HANDS. BEN RELUCTANTLY SHAKES HANDS.
Bill OK Ben! We can weather any storm!
Mr Elder Of course! Mary will give you all the help you need and will be here first thing! She’s worked here for some years so she knows everything inside out!
Mary I arrive first anyway! I like to clean the place before anyone arrives! I’m a bit fussy like that. High standards!
Bill Organisation! That’s all good for the work-place!
Mary That and my make-up!
Ben So what time do you get here then?
Mary Six thirty!
Bill (surprised) OK. When do the drivers get here?
Mary About four am. Too early for me! I reckon you’ll be in later then all of us! You are the Boss! It’s only right! The boss needs to conserve his strength!
Bill I agree! Maybe i should turn up around nine!
Mary Which means you won’t need the keys then! I’ll do all of that stuff!
Bill OK then! I reckon you know what you’re doing. Thanks for everything Mary!
Mr Elder (satisfied) Everything seems to of worked out fine!
Bill I’m happy to see you tomorrow. At about nine thirty!
Mr Elder Sounds fine with me! Mary. Will you have everything ready for your new manager?
Mary Certainly Mr Elder! I never let George down. Not once! And I’ll never let the next manager down! Or even this one!
Ben (concerned) this one?
Mary You and Bill!
Bill Well. Anyway, Mary that sounds fine!
Mr Elder Everything is to my satisfaction. So, may I shake your hands boys?
THEY ALL SHAKE HAND AND BUMP IN TO EACH OTHER AS MARY KISSES EVERYONE.
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