The Scab brothers fall on their feet…again.

 

Since birth, the Scab brothers lived together, alluding the necessity of a full-time job by cheating, stealing, and slight-of-hand treatment of associates and victims who were unlucky enough to have known them. That is until they met the Duchess.

After dropping out of the school they rarely attending, they rooted their lazy behinds in their mother’s house, setting up as third-party traders in the car-boot world. Toys, ornaments, Mills & Boon books, figurines, dolls, chrome-painted and peeling candelabras, etc… for cash only. They were instantly recognisable, in that Barney was fat and had plenty of hair, and Rick had no hair, yet as thin as a rake.

Alas, their car-boot sales income had to be supplemented by the state, giving the Scab brothers a source of comfort, until one day, their mother dies. In a way, for two men who lacked any sense of self-worth it made sense never to bother leaving. Yet, their gravy train did come to a halt when the council gave in to pressure from their disgusted neighbours and they were evicted as soon as their mother was buried. You might think they were finally going to have a taste of hardship, that had eluded them so far, but luck seemed to have smiled on them soon after, when they met the old Duchess Ramsbottom.

The aging Duchess owned the old mansion at the top of Reading hill, a local land mark she had occupied as a widow since the death of the controversial Lord Ramsbottom. No need to go in to the controversy of the old Lord, whipped up in his later years, but if the Scab brothers had known anything about the old Lord, they’d have avoided the old Duchess and ran the other way. As they didn’t, I’m able to tell this tale. Responding to an advert, for company and low rates of rent, they thought they called round to meet the old Duchess.

Remember, the Scab brothers had swindled a few old people out of their chattels, so were in a sly, furtive confident moods as they walked up the gravelled pathway to the mansion for the interview. The butler showed them through to a great hall, where the Duchess was sitting at the end of a long table.

“Come in,” she beckoned.

“Hi, Duchess, Majesty,” bowed the larger one, stepping slowly forward, “I’m Barney.”

“Call me Jessica,” she smiled, turning her interest to the thinner one, “And your name?”

“Rick,” he mumbled, walking a step behind is brother, in awkward reverence.

The butler smirked.

She didn’t shake their hands, instead showing them to their seats. Once seated, she called for tea and asked them to talk about their interest in the accommodation.

“You see, we think we might be perfect company for you.” Barney began.

“Oh, that is interesting, do explain,” encouraged the Duchess.

She appeared to be moved by their subsequent lies, explaining they had lived for their mother for the all those years, choosing her over a career and would like to extend the same level of care and companionship, as well as pay for the rent of the rooms. And, she even offered them cheap accommodation at the top of the old mansion in exchange for good, honest company.

“I believe in good honest company, don’t you?”

“Absolutely!” commanded Barney, smiling jovially.

“Suppose so,” mumbled Rick.

“More tea?”

“And another biscuit, please?” pleaded Barney.

“Ah, you’re the greedy one,” Jessica smiled, “Of course, have another. Any you Rick?”

“Yeah, suppose so, I will, thanks,” he mumbled.

The butler smirked.

She waited, watching silently as the Scab brothers scoff their biscuits, then explained, “There was and is one stipulation to this.” She waited and looked at Barney.

“Anything, we are happy to accommodate,” assured Barney, through a full mouth.

“Suppose so,” mumbled Rick, with less in his mouth.

Jessica composed herself, “You see, I have a deep-rooted fear of being molested by a younger man, and one important stipulation is that you are both gay.”

Both stopped stuffing their mouth.  

“Ah,” Barney finally offered, said, turning to his equally concerned brother.

Rick smiled back, “suppose so.”

The butler smirked.

“That’s right, we wouldn’t have applied otherwise,” assure Barney, not very convincingly. Both brothers were committed homophobes, yet were slightly more committed opportunists. Scab brothers had lied and cheated to far too many people over the years to make a small matter of perceived sexuality come between them and a good thing.

Jessica gleefully declared, “Oh great, two fag-hags.” She laughed at the Scab brothers who decided awkwardly laughed along. “I feel a little more secure, the company will be great and full of gaiety.”

In all those years, only one of them had sex, eight years earlier and which one didn’t matter by then. So, when they did move in a few weeks later, the brothers believed that God had smiled on them; cheap rent in a great old house where they could stash their poor quality, stolen goods, until the next car boot sale, or to someone more gullible over the internet. Eventually they pencilled in fleecing the old Duchess, but that was a long-term thing.  Meanwhile, as long as they held hands in front of the old Duchess every now and then and never be seen in the company of another woman, they stood a chance of getting away with it.  

“Odd,” said the Duchess to Barney one morning.

“Oh?” inquired Barney.

“Oh, we can talk about it at dinner. Yes, dinner it is.”

At dinner, the Duchess explained, that she had seen them hold hand, but wasn’t a prude, and was happy for them to show more intimacy between the two.  

“Oh, we don’t want to offend…”

“Not at all,” interrupted Jessica, “Please do, be open, proud, smash the sis-gendered status quo!”

At first, they made silly excuses, but knew as the days went by, they had to do more than just hold hands, so on the second week, while eating dinner they started stuttering and clearly disingenuous kissing one another as hopefully more definite displays of public affection that seemed to keep the old Duchess satisfied enough to drop the subject at the dinner table, for a while. They hated doing it, but it was a sacrifice worth taking, in between mouthfuls of good free food and good free wine.

One night, she explained that she regularly communes with her late husband, who was delighted to hear that a couple of queers were upstairs to protect her.

“That’s great!” exclaimed Barney, your husband knows.” He smiled knowingly at Rick.

“Yeah, suppose so,” mumbled Rick.

The butler smirked.

“…But,” Jessica suddenly insisted in a louder tone. She explained, although the late husband had also communicated that they should be happy to show as much physical affection as they wanted with one another and that he was actually a very progressive spirit. He had kept up with and was inspired by the gay rights movement.

With quiet fear they listened, as Jessica then explained they he had felt a bit concerned, as he was watching the brothers when they were not in the Duchess’s company.

They froze with more fear, before she then explained her late husband had also said if they didn’t show such affections, they might just be a pair of tricksters.

“Well,” coughed Barney.

“Suppose so,” Rick nervously mumbled.

The butler smirked.

“Please, by all means, do whatever you want,” the old Duchess winked.

The Scab brother were nervous about the suspicions of the late Lord, resisting the urge to show disgust, they agreed to feel free to be more openly affectionate with one another, and particularly now that they knew it would keep her late husband’s ghost appeased. The old Duchess seemed pleased with this understanding and while eating her potatoes, insisted, from then on, they pay no rent.

This new understanding seemed to allow the Scab brothers the opportunity to ingratiate themselves’ further with the old Duchess, soon taking liberties, such as stealing old valuables from the back of the loft, in the abandoned west wing, that the old Duchess seemed to have forgotten about.

“What west win?” she inquired, assuring them both to continue the slow plunder of its’ attack. Many of the good were poor quality, but sold for a 100% profit at the next car boot. But increasingly, the old Duchess wanted to see more acts of public affection and by the third week had got the two – secretly disgusted – brothers to passionately embrace and kiss before and after dinner. The old duchess would often remind the Scab brothers that she didn’t been speaking to her husband, who was pleased to hear they had been so affectionate.

One evening, and seemingly randomly, the Duchess noted, “your relationship is too cold… you’ll split before you know it and then I’ll have to kick you out… no single queens in my house.”

“OK, then, sure, we can be more open.” Barney smiled, looking to his brother.

“Suppose,” Rick mumbled.

The butler didn’t smirk but rolled his eyes.

“I bet you’re the dominator. The quiet one usually is.”

Now, Barney found himself having to fondle Rick, who in turn would clumsily return the favour, whenever anywhere near Jessica. To a growing unease, the Scab brothers had to commit themselves to this act, which had a demoralising effect on their sense of self-worth. But enthused by the saving in the rent, and the future prospect of fleecing the old Duchess, they managed – against all-natural urges to do otherwise – to keep up this strange act of fake homosexuality.

It was in the fourth week that a note was placed under the Scab brother’s door, inviting them to a ‘special dinner,’ to celebrate the month they’d lived together. However, at the bottom of the note the old Duchess had stipulated, “Do behave like a proper pair of queers this time, my late husband raised his eyebrows when we last communed. He wants to be sure you’re not tricksters. You understand.” Apart from the repulsion, the Scab brothers were too enticed by the fleecing of the old duchess.

That evening, dinner was served, with extras. Bunting draped other decorations and the old duchess regaled the happy couple, with many tales of past glories, from when she ran the large hotel that is now just her lonely home again. The Scab brothers listened, as they scoffed themselves and drank the nice wine, leaning over the table to kiss, periodically, to Jessica’s delight.

“Give each other a proper smacker, not just a peck.”

“When we’re done,” blurted Barney.

Eventually, after eating the awkward meal, and coffee being served, Jessica announced, “I want to see it all tonight, boys.”. The Scab noticed his smirk, looking back at each other in fear.  The butler smirked.

“After that meal, I’m pooped,” faked Barney.

Rick tried a fake yawn, “Yeah, suppose…”

The butler smirked.

“…Oh no,” interrupted Jessica, “I want to see you make love.”

The room fell silent. Barney looked at Rick, then back to Jessica, “You see, your ladyship…”

“Jessica, call me that, my dear, I see what?”

“Well…” hesitated Barney, looking at Rick.

“You see, well, I suppose…” mumbled Rick, looking back at Barney.

The butler sniggered then smirked.

“Well?” command Jessica, now looking impatient.

 “We don’t have sex anymore, it’s a kind of platonic…”

“Ha, ha, ha, that is funny,” laughed Jessica, “but you will have sex, or pay me back for the items you stole from the west wing.” Again, there was silence, as Jessica glared at the Scab brothers, eye balls to eye balls.  

“It’s not what you think, we were…”

“…You were on CCTV and they were all numbered, they were traced, idiots!” shouted Jessica.

“Oh,” stuttered Barney.

“All worthless crap anyway,” laughed Jessica.

“I suppose…” mumbled Rick.

The butler smirked, sniggered and then coughed.

Briefly acknowledging the impotence of the butler with a glare, Jessica smiled at Barney, “I guess my husband was right, a couple of tricksters.”

Barney looked panicked, “We thought we would sell them, then we were going to help with your care…”

“…really?” Jessica asked Barney, “But, no matter, I have an idea that can save you both from the law.”

“Sure,” offered Barney.

“Sure,” mumbled Rick.

The butler quietly smirked “sure.”