This is an urgent appeal on behalf of the sandwich man; in need of any act of charity you can offer more than ever before. For years he could rely upon the great mark-up that comes with making damp sandwiches out of old bread and even older fillings form yesterday’s dinner plate. Times were good for so long; he’d paid off his mortgage several years early and is now on his second home.

But, due to increased knowledge about diet, health, and the realisation that his sandwiches are unhealthy, there are less people with less money to spend, or less people around to afford the ridiculously high prices he sells his puny damp sandwiches for.

 

Either way, times are hard now so he’s even prepared to cut his high prices, a small amount, to help you make that unhealthy decision and buy some stale, damp goods from his van. He’s become accustomed to a good life and this is under serious threat, no longer able to profit from your laziness. If things carry on this bad, he’ll miss his yearly holiday in Marbella and all the fun the two weeks of sun-bathing gives him and his newly wed internet bride together.

 

I expect - like most of us - you’ve been reading about how processed food, badly sanitized preparation and out of-date ingredients are bad for your health and though decisions about your future health and well-being are encroaching on his lively-hood. You may be struggling financially, but no matter how hard you think times may be for yourself and your families, they’re so much harder for the sandwich man. He’s usually in the swimming pool by midday, but this is now in jeopardy because the high takings the sandwich man relied upon have been hit, the drop in profits is staggering.

Indeed, the drop in his profits are so hard this year, instead of the annual holiday in the sun, he’ll be forced to take his holiday in Margate next year and I’m sure no one wants that. It will be too cold, possible rain, but worst of all, he’ll find it difficult to get the wet suit over his large frame if he dares to swim in the North Sea; we all know he doesn’t want that. Not just his yearly holiday, but many other lifestyle choices will be affected if the sandwich man can’t enjoy the sales he’s accustomed to. He needs you, more than ever, to buy higher price and high profit margin goods, such as bacon rolls, or sausage rolls. You may have to make saving elsewhere to do so.

 

Yes, we all know he buys all his food from a wholesaler for ten percent of what he sells it for, but that’s the price of your convenience. A bacon roll is usually sold for about £3.60, which has only one rash of bacon inside. That’s the kind of profit margin that will help save his circumstance and allow his two children to attend Private school and that’s not cheap.

 

Or you can indulge in one of his damp, out-of-date sausage rolls for £3.80; which will also help the holiday situation. Remember without the sandwich man as a convenient and expensive alternative you’d have to make your own food at night, or even worse in the morning when you could sleep for the extra few minutes it would take. In this day and age I ask you; who has a few minutes to spare now days? Yes you may save yourself a fortune by staying away from his over-inflated priced offerings but you’d be wasting your few minutes some other way, probably. You don’t want to waste those few minutes on something you find too boring, depriving the sandwich man of the great life he has become accustomed, so his happiness is in your generous hands. Now you are aware, you must ask yourself, what can I do to help?

Failure to act will mean his suffering will be on your conscious when he is forced to get a normal job, like the rest of us and that would be unfair.

 

So, dig deep in your pockets the next time the sandwich man comes screeching round the corner in his hot steaming van with the waft of overcooked food and stale sandwiches in the air, remember to have several pounds at the ready for something you could but for a couple of quid. Yes, he re-heats the rolls and re-heats the bacon, or anything else he can get away with re-heating and then re-selling, but you would as well if you hadn’t sold all your food from the week before with an expensive lifestyle to support.

 

In order to help you help the sandwich man, the next time you withdraw money from a cash machine, take an extra ten pounds out of the account and place that ten pound note in the back left pocket of your trousers, this pocket will from now on be known as the ‘sandwich man pocket.’ From now on you will always have the money at had for the purchasing of the products. Also, the sandwich man has decided to cut his prices for those that run up a fifty-pound tab with a lack of money right now, and he is offering a 10% discount for those who have survived Covid19. So, the incentives are there for the loyal customers purchasing his expensive little treats.

Finally, throughout history there has always been a place in our collective hearts for the lovable rouge, such as the highwayman with good manners. Perhaps you might think of the sandwich man as a friendly 21^st century version of the highwayman, with good manners but better than that, you get a treat at the end of the experience for your pain.

 

If you are moved enough to support the sandwich man then thank you because remember, without the sandwich man to rob you every morning you’d only have to spend those pounds on something stupid like a pouch of magic beans. So, factor in the sandwich man to your weekly shopping and consider that there’s more to the man than small portions of over-priced food. For those of you who want to do a little more then I might like to suggest you put a few pounds aside for the sandwich man’s charity appeal called ‘pay for my second home fund.’